Hello Everyone,

Well, as you might have noticed... 2009 seems to be the year that I just did not feel like saying that much via my online journal. 

I guess I got caught up with FACEBOOK and used that as my primary tool for communicating everything that was going on with me.  If you do not have a FACEBOOK account yet, then I highly recommend you create one.  The site is a wonderful way to keep up with others.  I am totally addicted to it.  And please, if you have a page ... find me on the site and add me as a friend!

But to update you as far as what happened this year, hopefully this LONG journal entry will help make up for my absence...

January thru much of June, I focused on building my real estate business.  While quite a few people had a really difficult year, I was fortunate enough to have my most successful year in real estate ever.  I worked constantly ... to the point that I rarely felt like I had a life of my own.  Jamie was busy in school so I was glad to have the work.  Plus I was really trying to save as much money as I could so I could get my happy butt back into the studio.

I did manage to do a few one-on-ones... (mostly over the phone) this year.  Without going too far into all of that, I just want to say that I have always felt so very blessed to meet and/or speak with the most amazing people.  It is always such an honor for me to have been given this kind of opportunity to work with folks in this way, and I truly, truly enjoy the work.  THANK YOU to all of you who came to me.

And then ... of course, off and on through out the year ... I continued to work on and add to my Online NDE book that is currently posted to the spirituality section of my site.  The book has not been fully published as a hard copy, however, sections of it have already been translated into over a dozen languages, while thousands of people from all around the world continue to visit my site every week to read the manuscript.  I am always amazed whenever I see the weblog, which depicts how many visitors the site is getting, what they are looking at and how long they are staying.  Once the book is published I will have to remove the entire manuscript but in respect for those who live in areas of the world without religious freedom, I am planning on directing everyone to the original/edited posting that is presented on near-death.com

In April I began rehearsals for my first off-Broadway musical called, "The Gold" which is about a Jewish Olympic boxer who fights in the Olympic games.  The musical is primarily dealing with the beginning of the Holocaust and the terrible events that followed.  I played the role of a Lutheran German Priest who saves the lead character from death and my role carries one of the most powerful solos in all the musical.  You can see my performance on YOUTUBE:

I greatly enjoyed playing the role and singing the song, "Touch The Darkness to the Sky" for me it was truly a spiritual experience.  Also, I came to realize that singing in a musical is much different than recording and performing pop music.  There is a literal discipline involved and it takes a special person to be able to endure and succeed at it.  However, I really enjoyed the process.  And besides the concern of forgetting lines or lyrics, I had a really fun time.

Members of my family were supposed to come see the show, but with the first scare of Swine flu (thanks to the media) many were frightened away.  However, the show still had a really good turn out and out last night was pretty much sold out.  Jamie, my Mother, Leigh Anne and my brother's girlfriend Brenna all came to see me, as did my step-brother Mark and his wife Amber.  My dear friend Kitten flew in from L.A. to surprise me and my friend Shawn came as well.  Jenna Drey came, as her Dad was who wrote the musical.  Then I was shocked when I saw my old best friend from High school, Lucinda Garces in the audience.  We used to sing in choir together and she knew me when I was just starting out in music.  So to see her was a definite full-circle moment.  She had come to watch one of the other actors and had no idea I was in the show. 

The Gold ran for 2 days in Houston and then closed on May 2nd.

I then spent the rest of May helping my neighbor find and buy a home in Hyde Park that looked like the cutest London flat you ever saw!  I was very happy to work and help her out.  I managed to negotiate a really good deal for her and I was thrilled to be able to do that...

But then on June 11th, I had a terrible ordeal occur. 

My beloved grandmother, whom many of you have heard of me speak of as my Nanoo had a devastating stroke.  She had fallen to the floor in the early morning and no one was able to get to her in time to reverse it.  So you know: You have one hour to get someone help in order to reverse a stroke. 

After many months of ups and downs ... on August the 26th, while I was having a root canal done ... my Nanoo's Spirit passed from her physical body to merge fully into God's magnificent Realm.  

The thing is, right before the dental surgery, I had a inner knowing that something was up.  I wrote my step mother an e-mail telling her where I would be ... just in case.  And then I went and sat on my bed.  Then all of the sudden, I got up, went to my FACEBOOK page and where I had posted one of my favorite pictures of Nanoo I wrote a personal note to her in the comments box and told her how much I loved her. 

I had no conscious idea of this at the time, but she passed away just a few minutes right after the time stamp.

After my dental surgery ... I kept thinking ... something is up.  Then, later when I got home, I received a call from my Mom.  She thought I already had been told.  She was the one who broke the news to me.  I did not cry.  I already knew.  After I hung up with her ... then I cried.

Anyone who really knows me knows that my Nanoo was definitely one of the great loves of my life.  She *is* a person who holds magic all around her and the energy she created for her family created a vortex of love and warmth.  She was the person who was truly good and generous in everyway, and she sought to keep us (her family) always in good stead.  Nanoo was a good mother figure.  She kept up with me and wanted to genuinely know about everything I was doing with my life.  Nanoo was my Angel when I came to live with her after my family fell apart when I was 15.  I remained with her until I was almost 17.  Afterwards I went out on my own.  But Nanoo remained one of my most cherished friends.  She was the one in the family who always made sense to me.  Everyone else (besides my Mom), not always so much.  Therefore, having my beloved Nanoo depart from this planet has certainly been one of the most difficult challenges I have had to personally face, and, well, while I have certainly faced many challenges in my life ... this one was especially difficult.

I feel fortunate at least that I had at least a few months to prepare myself before she died.  I got sick once and had to stay away to keep her well, but otherwise I sought to see her at least every other day.  My gas bill went though the roof, but I did not care.

Jamie and I would often go visit Nanoo in the evening and she always looked forward to our visits as she was always a night person.  Because of the stroke, speaking was very difficult for her, but sometimes, by looking into her eyes ... I was able to intuit what she was trying to say and in the process we would have some very lovely conversations.  And then suddenly... she would have a few minutes where she made perfect sense.  As difficult as it all was, I will carry with me some very lovely moments of that time.  Nanoo wanted to make sure she told both Jamie and me how proud she was of us and how important it was that we always stay together.  Over and over she told me what a good man she thought I was. She would grab and squeeze my hand and just smile.  I tear up every time I think about it actually.  Even in her challenging condition, she was still trying to edify and give to me.  This is the kind of woman my grandmother was.

The highlight of my 40th birthday (in July) was going to feed Nanoo lunch, as it was now impossible for her to feed herself.  I stopped by a steak house on the way to the care facility to pick her up some desert. However, she was not that happy that day and it was difficult for her actually.  She was suffering from a UTI (urinary tract infection) and was a bit disoriented.  But I was still glad to be there.  I knew it would be the last birthday I would ever spend with her during this lifetime.  At the same time, my brother Sean was in the hospital that week for having some sort of edema issue, where he was having a terrible allergic reaction to something.  So my 40th was not exactly the *happy* day I had always imagined.  Instead it would be a day that told me... it is time to grow up and realize reality is not always going to look like you want it to.  No matter how much you plan!  Jamie and I were going to go to Europe, but I kept having this vision of me being very sad during this time, so I intuitively knew I had better stay home.  I am so glad I did.  I would have been miserable being so far away, knowing that I was needed.

When Nanoo was finally transported back home, because the doctor said she was going into renal failure and would not remain with us much longer ... Dad got her home right away.

She only lasted a week.

The last time I saw Nanoo was the second day she was back home. I will never forget the hospice care staff running around trying to make her feel comfortable.  She loved being back home and adored the attention she was getting.  My Dad had gone out and bought the most wonderful spread of food and snacks for everyone.  When I walked in I saw that everything had been so wonderfully laid out in the kitchen.  I was deeply touched seeing this and I doubt I will ever forget how it made me feel.  I think because the house was literally filled with Love.  I kept asking Nanoo, can't you feel the love and she said, "Oh yes... I can."   Jamie and I visited with Nanoo for a few hours that day.  We ran around her room trying to organize it as she would point at this or that... Yet, understanding her was almost impossible.  As she lay in bed, she had a chocolate colored teddy bear in her lap that Marsha (my step Mom) had given her.  Nanoo called him, "Mr. Clark."  She nervously flipped the bear's legs back and forth and chatted as best she could...  Jamie and I just sat beside the bed and listened patiently.  Then there came a moment where she and I stared deep into each others eyes and we shared a very intense spiritual moment of silence.  There was a definite exchange and words were not necessary.  She laughed, winked at me and as her blue eyes twinkled... she suddenly said, "It is time for me to go nite nite." 

So, at that, I sprang up, kissed Nanoo on the forehead and she smiled and said, "Vaya con Dios" (go with God) which is something we always said to each other whenever we said good-bye. 

Then I said, what I always say ... "Vaya" (Vi' O) ... which now that I think of it, means ... "GO" in Spanish.  Wow.  I am just realizing that this is the last thing I said to her. 

She waved good-bye ... Jamie and I turned the corner and went into the living room.  And then, the hospice care nurse who was from Africa, walked us to the door and then said, "I have to shut and lock this door now."  And I remember thinking... "Oh my gosh ... this is it ... isn't it?"

And it was...

After Nanoo's passing I did not grieve the way I always had suspected I would.  In some ways I did much better ...

On the bad days, I did not let my self dwell for long.  And if I was having a bad time of it ... it was because I was feeling sorry for myself. This surprised me with the understanding I have about Heaven.  Few understand this place better than me... 

However, I was having an issue that I did not anticipate. 

I have always been very gifted at being able to feel into people's energy.  Whether a person is near or far away ... I don't have to see or speak to them to know whether or not they are OK.  I just know how they are.  The closer I am to someone, the stronger this ability is. 

About a year before my grandmother passed, I spent a good amount of time asking her questions that I would want to know should she pass soon.   One of the questions was whether or not she would visit me after she passed? 

To this my Nanoo answered, "No."  She said that once she was out of "this old shell" (as she often called her body) "I am out of here!" she said.

Well, when she died.  She was out and gone!  And I no longer was able to tap into her.  I found this deeply disturbing.  I can honestly say that I have had visitation experiences with every single person I have ever been close to who has passed away.  EVERY SINGLE ONE!  I will either have a very vivid dream that I know is them standing in my presence or I will literally have what I call, "hellos from Heaven" where I know without a shadow of a doubt that the person is right there beside me.

Now, it was just killing me to know that I could not have contact with Nanoo anymore.  She was my touch stone.  But not any more and this is what made the grieving really bad.  I cried so hard... and I joked once with my step mom that I felt as if I was going to need an eyeball transplant.

Then finally, one afternoon I was driving on a very cloudy day, and as I drove up on a new, very tall section on the freeway that rose up close to the cloud cover ... I had something interesting happen.

For some reason I was crying while I drove.  I don't know, maybe I was listening to a song that reminded me of Nanoo.  I don't really remember why.  As the tears started to pour out of me, I told God, "You are going to have to help me with this God!  And by the way ... why can't I feel Nanoo anymore?"  Then suddenly, out of nowhere, I felt my own Spirit stretch from where I was.  I felt my energy shoot over downtown Houston and fly upward past the clouds and into space.  I passed the earth, the moon, other planets and soon stretched way past our solar system and many, many others.  In a matter of seconds I felt myself pass entire galaxies and fly through the eyes of nebulas.  While going at a speed that I could not possibly describe ... all I know is that I traveled zillions of miles!

Then suddenly, I stopped.  And as if I was slapping my hand against a flat way and saying "tag you are it" I felt my own Spirit's energy hit some kind of a surface and then immediately after ... like the popping of a rubber band, I felt myself fling right back into my body at triple the speed than before I left.

The whole event lasted only a few seconds, but something mysterious and amazing happened to me upon my return.  I no longer felt attached to my sadness.  Somehow, while I can never explain the geographical location of where I felt myself travel to in those deep regions of space, in my Soul I now knew where my Nanoo was ... and it is a very, very, very long way away.  Now, with this understanding, I was OK with this.  Nanoo had already told me that she was not going to look back.  It made perfect sense.   No wonder I was not tapping into her.  It was like she was on the other side of door that was a million miles thick and because of this I could not hear her.  Yet, thanks to the Love and kindness of God ... somehow, I felt in my Spirit that she was very happy and filled with tremendous joy!

There is a line in the song I sang for the Gold, "HE (God) knows the reasons why ... to find life something must die..." I remember every time I sang that line, I felt an inner pang.  I had many amazing moments singing that song.  And at times, I felt as if God was speaking directly to me.  Telling me, "No one loves you as much as I do ... I am here!  When you feel it ... TOUCH YOUR DARKNESS TO THE SKY!" 

For months prior to my Nanoo's stroke, I intuitively knew something was coming.  I would do my real estate transactions and my one-on-ones, but other than that I pretty much kept to myself, often wondering why I was feeling so depressed.  When I would allow myself to search deep inside (as to why I felt this way) my Spirit told me that the passing of a loved one was coming.  I would ask myself if it was Nanoo ... but the answer would not come.  Maybe I did not want to hear it.

A few months later, I read in the paper on a Sunday that the actress, Bea Authur had died April 25th.  Nanoo and I would spend many an evening sitting and laughing our heads off as we watched the Golden Girls together on TV.  When I read that Bea had died, I suddenly broke out into a huge burst of tears!  Jamie tried to comfort me, but he was stunned that I would react so severely he got firm with me and told me that I did not know her and that I needed to snap out of it.  I got mad at him for not reading me more closely.  Out of nowhere, I told him... "You know, this is a clue.  I cannot explain it... but I know this is a clue... Bea's death coming during this time means [somehow] that I am about to experience the end of an era. Someone I love very dearly is going to die.  It was at that moment that I knew it was probably going to be Nanoo.  I have been doing stuff like this my whole life and when I have this kind of feeling hit me, I know not to ignore it.

I had many wonderful conversations with my Nanoo as I prepared for The Gold.  And once when I visited her, as she sat across from me I sang Touch the Darkness to the Sky to her accapella, and it was a moment between us I will always cherish.  Sometimes sharing music was not always an easy thing with Nanoo.  Because of her many years of being a music teacher and amazing pianist, she could be a fierce critic.  However, when I sang for her ... she loved what I did to the song and praised me tremendously.  She loved my ability to "reach so effortlessly into my falsetto voice" as she called it, as I sang the high parts of the song.  This moment brought me back to a memory of her and I listening to a Christmas record in the 80s where she told me the best male singers could soar their voices into a falsetto voice on command.  I was proud that I had learned how to do this.

Right before Nanoo passed, I took a real estate listing in my neighborhood of the home (that was my prior listing) that had burnt down during IKE on the very day it was to go live on the MLS!  A builder (Sierra Classic Homes) had rebuilt the home.  I was wondering if it was smart for me to take the listing knowing what I was about to endure, but I was glad to have the work to keep me busy. 

We sold the house at the end of October.

And starting on October 6th... I went into the studio.  Thank God I did.  I desperately needed to focus on doing something that I really loved doing ... and as my Mom told me today, there are few things that make me happier in life than when I am recording my music.  And she is absolutely right.  Not only was the studio time helping me to heal from my broken heart,  I managed to finish a song that I had written and had been wanting to record for years and years called, "GARDEN OF GOD."  I worked my butt off on the song.  Layering tons and tons of vocals on top of a loop track I had programmed.  The feeling of completion of working on something I wondered if I was even ever going to get done was wonderful. While working, I also recorded a track that flew right out of me as I was stepping out of the bath tub ... 1000 MILES.  Lots of folks really seem to like that one a lot.

I feel that 1000 Miles is a good title for this project that I have been working on. I am also adding a few songs I recorded over the last few years that I have either remixed or remastered.  They fit perfectly with what I am trying to say artistically.

As I head to NYC in a few weeks to attend the 2009 OUTmusic awards, I am happy to know that even after all these years of being away from recording ... I am still relevant and considered in the loop.  I am nominated in two categories.  Best Dance Song (Running Back to You - Million Mile Mix) and Best Spiritual Song (I Belong to You).  I do not expect to win, but I am glad to be nominated.

It is funny, I feel as if I have come 1000 Miles.  In all honesty, with all the potential I know I hold inside myself I have not traveled as far as I knew I could.  Mostly because of money issues..  It is expensive when you have ideas as big as mine and not enough $$ to pay for them.  But I am still proud of my achievements so far.  I have worked very hard.

And with a little luck, and the help of friends IN HIGH PLACES ... maybe, just MAYBE ... I will go another 1000 Miles.  Who knows, maybe I will go even further.  We will see.

Vaya...

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